weekend

There was a time where my phone had to be by my side constantly, cause it rng or a message came through quite regularly.

Not anymore. It can stay on silent for days and I don't miss a call.

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The weekend was the biggest in a while. A few after work drinks, and catching the bus home at 9pm turned into a pub crawl to find the best drink specials, ending up at the Vic, doing karaoke, a 2:30am Maccas pit stop and a sleepover on the lounge of my work supervisor. I was out til 3 with her housemate.

Saturday night was detailed in the previous post and Sunday night was Ben Lee at the Tivoli, and it was awesome! He put on a brilliant concert, and he's quite funny too (the luckiest Jew since Steve Guttenberg).

And now bedtime cause tomorrow I have my volunteer work and Wednesday night I am working a shift at my second job. Must by shares in whoever make No Doze!!!

Karma, fate, patterns, whatever

I am a believer in those things.

Tonight I worked in my second job from 6-9pm. I then went to the Drone's concert with my brother, cause he had a spare ticket and no one to go with.

I was supposed to go to my best friend's brother's party, but I ditched that cause I figured I'm better off fixing the relationship with my own flesh and blood first. Also, I was out drinking with friends bro til 3am anyway, and had already wished him happy birthday a number of times.

So bro and I arrive at the Zoo, get a drink from the bar and watch the support act. Despite the lead singer screaming into the microphone, I enjoyed the few songs we saw.

When the Drones came on, the crown rushed forward, as crowds tend to do, so bro and I repositioned ourselves. We had an awesome view of Gareth, and for me being so short, this was nothing short of a miracle.

Then a tall blond guy comes and stands right in the way of my Gareth view, and I thought to myself how that hairstyle looked familiar.

So I tried peering round to see his face, and couldn't get a good enough look, without looking like a complete tool first.

My brother could tell I couldn't see, and pushed me towards a clearer spot. Where I still had a view of blondboy's back. And the back's familiarity matched perfectly with the hair.

Shortly after this, he turned round to head to the bar and I saw him front on, and it was him! And old flame of mine, from the old times. I stopped him as he went past and said hi.

It took him a second to register who I was, and then I saw the moment the penny dropped. A huge smile came across his face and he leaned in and said "It's been ages, hasn't it?"

21 months, give or take a few days...

And the second question "Do you still live in that place?" I shook my head and smiled, as I responded in the negative.

I then spend the majority of the concert standing next to him, watching Gareth, mesmerised.

When it was over, I said goodbye and he answered in a way that made me think I'll see him again.

Funny thing is, I know he is a huge You Am I fan, and I want to go to the concert cause I quite like them too. And I saw Tex and Tim play earlier this year, and was in awe of Tim and the bottle of vodka he swigged like water throughout his performance.

But the concert is on a school night, and it'll be a late one. But it might just be worth going.

And I thought it was funny, that the night I originally met this guy, was after attending my best friend's bro's birthday party, two years ago to the night!

All this is happening, within days of me making the decision to get back in the game, so to speak... But baby steps this time....

Tomorrow (or today, rather) I am off to see Ben Lee. If he plays number 8 from Ripe, and blondboy is there, I'll know it's some force telling me what to do :)

Dullard

It's Friday afternoon and I SHOULD be at a pub having a few after work drinks.

Instead I am at home, doing a government endorsed survey from a Survey website I am a member of, and the survey froze. I emailed the support to complain (I damn well wanted to make sure that I was in the draw for the $600 Coles Myer voucher), when 2 minutes later, they actually responded.

So I sent a thank you email back. And they replied. The I told her to have a great weekend and go home cause it's after 6pm on a Friday arvo!!!

What is wrong with meeeee! All nerdiness and no play makes tw a freak who emails support staff on a Friday arvo...

I officially have no life.

him

Would you believe I’ve grown up? Would you believe that I know when to say enough is enough when I drink? That I am now the prude in my group of friends, the one telling others what to do about their health instead of blatantly disregarding my own.

The one who suggests maybe we should quieten down and be considerate of others around us, instead of the creator of the nuisance. The one who becomes embarrassed about silly mistakes they make, the one who doesn’t put all her cards on the table early, while wearing her heart on her sleeve.

Would you believe that the thought of cheating on someone I care about is now inconceivable to me, instead of the bragging right it was back then? Did you know I am now ashamed of the very things I used to constantly put out on display?

Would you believe that I still think of you often and fondly, and wish things didn’t end the way they did.

We could never be again, and while it is heartbreaking, I can actually accept it now. I know I was wrong, I know I hurt and embarrassed you. And the me now would never do that to anyone every again.

I just wish you could hear my apology.

thoughts and worries

Being a child was so much easier. I feel like slapping those ones that try to grow up too quickly. Embrace your youth. Play with Barbie's until you are 13 and don't feel embarrassed by it, don't plaster your face with so much makeup you look like a cheap whore (and you're only 14), run around outside and play games all day while you still can and you don't need a nanna nap.

Being a grown up sucks. You have to work full time only to have a huge chunk of the money go to the government to spend on things you do not philosophically believe in.

You have societal and parental pressures to find the right someone, settle down, get into massive amounts of debt buying a house and having a huge family wedding, and then shat out your 2.3 children.

I've noticed a pattern. In long term relationships, I get bored. There's the whole honeymoon period, everything is great, then things just go meh.

Someone can be a perfect match for me, yet I still find faults. I don't do it intentionally, but it happens. It's frustrating as all hell. How do people stay happy for so many years? Or aren't they happy? Do they just tell themselves they are because they are to lazy to change their surroundings?

I haven't been lazy like that for a while. If something isn't making me happy, it goes. Except alcohol, it's a constant, but even it hasn't had as big a presence in my life as it used to. Once a week now, and preferably at home because it is cheaper.

I don't even enjoy eating fatty, crumbed and battered deep fried foods as much anymore. I bought a salty potato scallop today in the hope it would cheer me up, but threw a quarter of it out. And I wont be buying another one in a hurry. I enjoyed the prawn rice paper rolls much more.

Even the company of my friends is getting me down to. They are all prettier than me and more attractive to the male of the species. All I see when I look into the mirror is fat arms, a big chest and a face that is not as pretty as it used to be.

And then I remember I've sworn off becoming involved with any member of the male species until New Years, so I shouldn't even care but I still do.

Lack of money is a huge worry and I am being paid an incredibly decent wage. I need a second job just to afford things I want, and to pay off debts sooner. Yay, just another stress.

And yes I should be at work now, but I skipped this afternoon. Stress again.

One of my friends is the secretary of a young Liberal branch. And the election is probably going to be on the same day of the Whitlam's concert I have 4th row seats for. And all I want to do is be parked in front of a television watching the coverage, with a bottle of champers.

A change would probably be the right solution, but in a surprising point, work is actually great. I like the job and the people there a lot, and it can't be transferred anywhere else.

So here I stay put for now.

Poetry Disection Corner

She Had More Friends - Joanne Burns

she had more friends
than you could fit
into the back of a truck

that’s why she didn’t mind
leaving them parked
on a cliff edge

while she went
for a stroll
with the brake in her pocket

I copied this poem from a textbook onto a piece of paper sometime during high school. In my most recent clean and purge session I found it. For some reason facebook springs to mind when I reread it...

At least I can now finally throw away the paper- it's preserved for all eternity on the intarwebz :)

single again

It's not like it was last time. Which is both good and bad. Alcohol is imbibed in, but not by the litre every night. Once a week if I am lucky.

I am feeling a little melancholy , and I am blaming all the Ben Lee music I've been listening to. And the fact my carb binge I've been on this week is making me feel bloated. And guilty. Bloated and guilty are not two of my favourite things to be feeling simultaneously.

Bad week all round

The diet is, well fucked this week. I don't think I've stuck to it for an entire day for over a week. I'm still eating less that I usually do, but meals this week have been a bucket of chips, tomato and feta dip with Jatz, milk and dark choc chips, subway + cookie, chilli con carne, rice, sausages, rissoles, kabana, dip and camembert.... And more!

But I've a good excuse. My partner and I broke up on our 17 month anniversary. We moved in together 3 months ago... There's another three months on the lease, and neither of us is moving til the end of that. Work is busy, and I'm jumping between being hurt by it all and binging, to being happy about it all.

And angry. And guilty for breaking the diet. And facebook stalking. That's always fun- I found a guy I had a crush on 9 years ago and added him. Should have just poked him!

Love Today

You can go to all these places. You can have done all these fascinating things, but are you happy? Have you left your mark on those you've known? Will people remember you for what you've done rather than who you are?

Would those close you consider you special to them? Would those who are only acquaintances know what is special about you?

Live how you want to, provided you are considerate of others. Tell those who you think are great, the exact reasons why you believe so. It'll make a difference to someones world, and who knows, THAT could make a world of difference!

At tonight's weigh in..........

a loss of 1.3kgs, I'm down to 61.2kgs!

and a loss of 3cm from the waist.

The good this week- one afternoon on the treadmill, walking down eight flights of stairs because of a faulty fire alarm at work.

The bad- 1 x bacon and cheese Zinger burger, 1 x weight watched pasta meal, 1 x potato chip with pepper and tomato sauce, 1/2 a ham and cheese sanger on crusty fresh white bread.

All in all a good result. There will probably be a few blow outs this week cause of social events and work lunches (Subway, mmmmmm.....) But if I exercise more, it should even out!

First weigh in

I lost 1.4kgs in a week, and that was sticking to the diet except for 2 tiny bits of cheese, and, NO EXERCISE!!!!

And congrats to Enny on her job well done- 2.8kgs, that's superhuman!! And Turkish bread for all in a few months time!

Last night, I broke the diet. But instead of going to Sizzler, having a double Whopper and chips, or gorging on chips and gravy, I had a Weight Watchers Tuna Bake frozen meal...

I've come a long way, baby!

This afternoon, before I went anywhere near facebook the internet, I did time on the treadmill in my lounge room as well as lunges and stretches.

It's nice to know I'm not as lazy and willpowerless as I thought :)

The night before

I knew I was going to start the diet food management plan on the Friday. So Thursday night's dinner was 3 pieces of boneless chicken and chips from KFC...

So greasy and the stupid Emo kid serving didn't even think to provide serviettes or the wipes... I should have abused him so he could go and cry about it afterwards.

Anyways, it was so greasy and tasted heavenly, but I felt bad eating every mouthful.

I now wish I'd made my last hurrah a dinner at Sizzler. I would kill for some cheese bread and those sweet, sweet potato skins.

I'm not even going to make any links, I can't torture myself like that- it's bad enough just THINKING about, let alone seeing pictures...

There's movement at the station

Wow... It's been a long time since I've logged into blogger. It's also been a long, long time since I've written something that isn't work or job hunting related.

Much has changed, some of which will be discussed, some wont. It's taken me this long because I wanted to hide. Wanted to hide this identity from real life people, online people who I just didn't want to have knowing about me, and from myself.

The truth is, much more good has come out blogging for me than bad. I've still been reading, MSNing emailing, myspacing, facebooking and meeting people who are bloggers who I now call friends.

I did plan to come back with a new online identity, but for the life of me, could not come up with one that I liked and felt comfortable with.

Enny came up with the solution for me. Well, she inadvertently did, I saw her latest post and it just came to me.

A bit slow I am....

As she mentioned (if you didn't click on her link and read her post DO IT NOW!!!!), we've both started this particular weight loss programme.

Unfortunately my patented KFC and champagne diet that worked so well back in 2005 wasn't a lifelong thing, who knew??

Ms Enny can promise to blog about non diet related stuff, I'm not going to do that. I'm not making any promises about what I will and wont write about, I haven't decided. There are a few small rules though- my real life name is not to be mentioned on here, ever!

None of the nicknames used for real life friends are not to appear on here, and neither are links to any myspazz or facebook pages... Basically, nothing to identify me, IRL.

That is all.